I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
