I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
