My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
