dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
