Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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