I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
