I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
