Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish I could teleport
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
