i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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