I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
