This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
