this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
