I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
