Texts From Last Night · ging28's Favorites

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(510): View more from California

Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

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(682): View more from Texas

Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"

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(309): View more from Illinois

adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

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(817): View more from Texas

We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Braid them armpits, sister.

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(956): View more from Texas

One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth

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(248): View more from Michigan

You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.

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(708): View more from Illinois

And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This ER has an aquarium in it!!!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."

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(970): View more from Colorado

there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm always drunk lately

(647): View more from Ontario

Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears

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(561): View more from Florida

There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it

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(307): View more from Wyoming

... I threw up in the shower this morning

(406): View more from Montana

You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses

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(916): View more from California

I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

I want to have sex with him.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

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(940): View more from Texas

He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates

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(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

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(718): View more from New York

Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this

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(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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(503): View more from Oregon

She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(949): View more from California

I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

May the one with the liver that just won't quit win

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(231): View more from Michigan

A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

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(509): View more from Washington

I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.

(609): View more from New Jersey

That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.

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(207): View more from Maine

I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.

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(951): View more from California

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(415): View more from California

I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

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(352): View more from Florida

All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show

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(705): View more from Ontario

I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF

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(720): View more from Colorado

I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.

(303): View more from Colorado

God I adore you.

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(210): View more from Texas

You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'

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(850): View more from Florida

My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again

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(512): View more from Texas

I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"

(416): View more from Toronto

He was THIS close.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom

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(270): View more from Kentucky

it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.

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(818): View more from California

On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?

(1-818): View more from California

I'm about a 7.95

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(334): View more from Alabama

I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5

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(503): View more from Oregon

there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical

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(317): View more from Indiana

No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".

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(567): View more from Ohio

Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

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(443): View more from Maryland

He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".

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(907): View more from Alaska

Can I color on your dick again?

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(802): View more from Vermont

I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?

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(586): View more from Michigan

He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.

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(719): View more from Colorado

And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.

(607): View more from New York

I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero

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(408): View more from California

I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.

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(513): View more from Ohio

As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly

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(320): View more from Minnesota

So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.

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(360): View more from Washington

We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.

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(734): View more from Michigan

nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.

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(816): View more from Missouri

im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.

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(206): View more from Washington

If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

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(407): View more from Florida

and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.

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(805): View more from California

I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.

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(240): View more from Maryland

No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?

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(702): View more from Nevada

If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.

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(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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(210): View more from Texas

Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?

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(940): View more from Texas

I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry my hands just texted you

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(303): View more from Colorado

As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(315): View more from New York

Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.

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(352): View more from Florida

But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

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(310): View more from California

I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.

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(425): View more from Washington

You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

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(514): View more from Quebec

so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA

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(613): View more from Ontario

Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding

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(217): View more from Illinois

It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.

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(512): View more from Texas

I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.

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(343): View more from Ontario

The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka

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(517): View more from Michigan

well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(480): View more from Arizona

Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.

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(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently love is stronger than SoCo

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

21st birthday = success

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(330): View more from Ohio

My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.

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(510): View more from California

I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.

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(805): View more from California

No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture

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(719): View more from Colorado

He's a Shit stain on my heart

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(845): View more from New York

We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."

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(818): View more from California

I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record

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(905): View more from Ontario

His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic

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(914): View more from New York

I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?

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(516): View more from New York

8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

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(520): View more from Arizona

U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru

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(970): View more from Colorado

I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

(970): View more from Colorado

Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.

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(661): View more from California

And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"

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(315): View more from New York

The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die

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(909): View more from California

I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.

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(516): View more from New York

i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

You bought MORE?!

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted

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(208): View more from Idaho

I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.

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(1616): View more from

I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .

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(708): View more from Illinois

I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water

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(561): View more from Florida

We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(352): View more from Florida

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?

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(913): View more from Kansas

HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??

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(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.

(847): View more from Illinois

I don't even know what to say right now

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(561): View more from Florida

Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future

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(607): View more from New York

I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

(1-607): View more from New York

Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

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(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

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(303): View more from Colorado

The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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(773): View more from Illinois

Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(516): View more from New York

Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.

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(+61): View more from Australia

The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger

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(310): View more from California

I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.

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(520): View more from Arizona

This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

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(530): View more from California

i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(210): View more from Texas

Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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(904): View more from Florida

The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.

(503): View more from Oregon

Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.

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(647): View more from Ontario

He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.

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(559): View more from California

We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying

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(404): View more from Georgia

If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(925): View more from California

What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"

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(512): View more from Texas

We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(949): View more from California

Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

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(503): View more from Oregon

ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.

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(078): View more from

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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(360): View more from Washington

Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.

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(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(423): View more from Tennessee

The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...

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(310): View more from California

I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(815): View more from Illinois

This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.

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(251): View more from Alabama

why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!

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(214): View more from Texas

I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

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(571): View more from Virginia

Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever

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(801): View more from Utah

He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water

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(970): View more from Colorado

I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.

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(406): View more from Montana

So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"

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(812): View more from Indiana

I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.

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(760): View more from California

Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.

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(801): View more from Utah

Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(812): View more from Indiana

I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.

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(772): View more from Florida

I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away

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(514): View more from Quebec

I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess, just don't make it awkward

(603): View more from New Hampshire

MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(303): View more from Colorado

Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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(207): View more from Maine

when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance

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(312): View more from Illinois

my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.

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(425): View more from Washington

Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???

(773): View more from Illinois

Found 2 Coors, problem solved.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(613): View more from Ontario

We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...

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(503): View more from Oregon

We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I feel a five day drunk coming on.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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(916): View more from California

I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.

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(607): View more from New York

Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.

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(727): View more from Florida

it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...

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(518): View more from New York

Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!

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(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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(469): View more from Texas

I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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(310): View more from California

I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.

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(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?

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(602): View more from Arizona

She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order

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(641): View more from Iowa

But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"

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(914): View more from New York

Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.

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(310): View more from California

At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

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(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I thought you were single?

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

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(231): View more from Michigan

Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!

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(802): View more from Vermont

He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(707): View more from California

Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(801): View more from Utah

Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship

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(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(509): View more from Washington

He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

(425): View more from Washington

Is that even possible?

(509): View more from Washington

I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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(419): View more from Ohio

i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(503): View more from Oregon

It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.

(541): View more from Oregon

I'm dying.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(455): View more from

As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.

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(631): View more from New York

Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Ugh he's texting me.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

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(530): View more from California

I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am too young to be this hungover

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?

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(805): View more from California

i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party

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(503): View more from Oregon

It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.

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(416): View more from Toronto

looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants

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(616): View more from Michigan

If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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(360): View more from Washington

Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(303): View more from Colorado

im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels

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(573): View more from Missouri

He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

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(585): View more from New York

My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(276): View more from Virginia

I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(648): View more from

Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.

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(716): View more from New York

it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(714): View more from California

I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(318): View more from Louisiana

They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.

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(850): View more from Florida

Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model

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