Texts From Last Night · dbarn86's Favorites

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine

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(573): View more from Missouri

Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher

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(419): View more from Ohio

I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "

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(585): View more from New York

When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.

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(425): View more from Washington

I am thankful for thumbs.

(425): View more from Washington

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.

(425): View more from Washington

Land dolphins.

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(518): View more from New York

ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU

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(510): View more from California

i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was

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(315): View more from New York

i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex

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(416): View more from Toronto

what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No idea. I blame fireball.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Valid.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.

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(706): View more from Georgia

When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just vodka nap now...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language

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(773): View more from Illinois

my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.

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(315): View more from New York

Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me

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(317): View more from Indiana

it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.

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(425): View more from Washington

How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE

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(530): View more from California

as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts

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(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.

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(513): View more from Ohio

It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf

(337): View more from Louisiana

OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

She won. Twice.

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(512): View more from Texas

I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?

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(845): View more from New York

I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car

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(803): View more from South Carolina

By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.

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(716): View more from New York

oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear

(1-716): View more from New York

The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?

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(630): View more from Illinois

he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.

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(518): View more from New York

It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected

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(503): View more from Oregon

U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint

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(914): View more from New York

I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

(917): View more from New York City

The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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(269): View more from Michigan

Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

(313): View more from Michigan

death...100% death...what r u planning.

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(716): View more from New York

He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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(845): View more from New York

HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(510): View more from California

She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.

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(916): View more from California

Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.

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(707): View more from California

Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid

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(937): View more from Ohio

Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.

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(561): View more from Florida

I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon

(850): View more from Florida

Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found

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(408): View more from California

that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"

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(772): View more from Florida

Are you proud of yourself?

(407): View more from Florida

ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.

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(941): View more from Florida

That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

Tequila.

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(408): View more from California

this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it

(408): View more from California

its winning. its definitely happening

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(240): View more from Maryland

Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.

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(716): View more from New York

she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world

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(214): View more from Texas

We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.

(469): View more from Texas

Tequila happens.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise

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(703): View more from Virginia

I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

To be fair I was thirsty

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

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(616): View more from Michigan

orgasmnado...tomorrow night

(1-616): View more from Michigan

That's what I'm talking about

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak

(603): View more from New Hampshire

my vagina doesn't wear a watch

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH

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(540): View more from Virginia

You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"

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(845): View more from New York

How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother

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(651): View more from Minnesota

SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT

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(562): View more from California

I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.

(865): View more from Tennessee

Spopky scrzy skeletonssz

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(443): View more from Maryland

Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis

(828): View more from North Carolina

How high are you exactly

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(519): View more from Ontario

He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know

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(619): View more from California

yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances

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(519): View more from Ontario

We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

All. The answer is always all

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children

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(330): View more from Ohio

You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"

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(540): View more from Virginia

These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.

(740): View more from Ohio

Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."

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(260): View more from Indiana

The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.

(314): View more from Missouri

What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!

(260): View more from Indiana

Americans.

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(530): View more from California

I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw

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(331): View more from Illinois

Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.

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(727): View more from Florida

The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy

(813): View more from Florida

HE'S NOT INVITED!!!

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(216): View more from Ohio

then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value

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(614): View more from Ohio

I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.

(614): View more from Ohio

I'm Batman.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(044): View more from

fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her

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(971): View more from Oregon

Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account

(971): View more from Oregon

It could happen to you too!

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(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

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(740): View more from Ohio

mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.

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(587): View more from Alberta

You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later

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(703): View more from Virginia

My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.

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(305): View more from Florida

I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.

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(905): View more from Ontario

So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?

(224): View more from Illinois

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

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(512): View more from Texas

You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.

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(954): View more from Florida

Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?

(305): View more from Florida

It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.

(954): View more from Florida

STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god those aren't related

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(415): View more from California

Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

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(626): View more from California

Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"

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(941): View more from Florida

Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?

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(613): View more from Ontario

You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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(317): View more from Indiana

This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

see that vagina ? that vagina means business

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(775): View more from Nevada

I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related

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(561): View more from Florida

He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.

(770): View more from Georgia

So it may have been laced, sue me.

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(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?

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(714): View more from California

I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

(1-714): View more from California

Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(954): View more from Florida

He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics

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(+61): View more from Australia

He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.

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(914): View more from New York

And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

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(305): View more from Florida

My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".

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(210): View more from Texas

Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...

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(914): View more from New York

He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.

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(317): View more from Indiana

it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

On my way

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(281): View more from Texas

Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.

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(954): View more from Florida

Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?

(561): View more from Florida

Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids

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(928): View more from Arizona

He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE

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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse

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(818): View more from California

Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID

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(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!

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(614): View more from Ohio

Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?

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(360): View more from Washington

I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(954): View more from Florida

After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

JESUS

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(231): View more from Michigan

Is this a drinking picnic?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Is there another kind?

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(206): View more from Washington

If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.

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(586): View more from Michigan

The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I fill condoms, not promises.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.

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(330): View more from Ohio

listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.

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(716): View more from New York

banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(585): View more from New York

Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.

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(618): View more from Illinois

There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words

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(276): View more from Virginia

Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"

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(239): View more from Florida

Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.

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(416): View more from Toronto

How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check the mailbox while you're out!

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What are your plans?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

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(858): View more from California

So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks

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(972): View more from Texas

I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(914): View more from New York

I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me

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(256): View more from Alabama

Also, beer. Big fan.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"

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(517): View more from Michigan

I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.

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(310): View more from California

My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

(1-310): View more from California

That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(914): View more from New York

He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(734): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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