Texts From Last Night · ctmorehead's Favorites

ctmorehead's Favorites Texts:

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(478): View more from Georgia

But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.

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(323): View more from California

She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina

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(509): View more from Washington

i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.

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(415): View more from California

Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.

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(770): View more from Georgia

High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(425): View more from Washington

You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects

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(701): View more from North Dakota

So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.

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(408): View more from California

I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks

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(586): View more from Michigan

How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."

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(805): View more from California

I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(775): View more from Nevada

The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(310): View more from California

Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance

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(707): View more from California

One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...

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(+81): View more from

And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.

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(805): View more from California

That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now

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(301): View more from Maryland

literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far

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(803): View more from South Carolina

By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.

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(407): View more from Florida

Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.

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(518): View more from New York

Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.

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(432): View more from Texas

Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.

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(425): View more from Washington

I am thankful for thumbs.

(425): View more from Washington

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.

(425): View more from Washington

Land dolphins.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm honored.

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(619): View more from California

my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny

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(714): View more from California

I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?

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(313): View more from Michigan

"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"

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(425): View more from Washington

Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me

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(734): View more from Michigan

she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party

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(530): View more from California

as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts

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(706): View more from Georgia

Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting

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(440): View more from Ohio

all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me

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(269): View more from Michigan

It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die

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(248): View more from Michigan

But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"

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(740): View more from Ohio

it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.

(419): View more from Ohio

i've gotta research that and get back to you.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.

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(406): View more from Montana

I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(916): View more from California

When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!

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(469): View more from Texas

The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.

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(440): View more from Ohio

If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands

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(312): View more from Illinois

I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.

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(805): View more from California

I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid

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(630): View more from Illinois

At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.

(440): View more from Ohio

and SLEEP god I love sleep

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(425): View more from Washington

So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): View more from Oregon

A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.

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(941): View more from Florida

It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.

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(514): View more from Quebec

AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing

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(585): View more from New York

I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one

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(613): View more from Ontario

hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming

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(630): View more from Illinois

no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.

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(954): View more from Florida

You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me

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(705): View more from Ontario

you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"

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(626): View more from California

Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We were destined to go to rehab together

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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(813): View more from Florida

I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(503): View more from Oregon

Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(214): View more from Texas

I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

(763): View more from Minnesota

Die.

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(712): View more from Iowa

This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(607): View more from New York

Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?

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(425): View more from Washington

Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.

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(646): View more from New York

Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name

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(616): View more from Michigan

Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado

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(425): View more from Washington

we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'

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(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

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(970): View more from Colorado

Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.

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(207): View more from Maine

It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

I thank god almighty everyday

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me

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(705): View more from Ontario

I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate

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(970): View more from Colorado

I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?

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(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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(904): View more from Florida

That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.

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(770): View more from Georgia

My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.

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(815): View more from Illinois

High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(571): View more from Virginia

The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or

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(229): View more from Georgia

I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises

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(818): View more from California

I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(951): View more from California

Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?

(951): View more from California

...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...

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(805): View more from California

The air was thick with penises

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.

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(415): View more from California

I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.

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(207): View more from Maine

I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.

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(772): View more from Florida

Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45

(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

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(+61): View more from Australia

The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger

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(520): View more from Arizona

This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

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(530): View more from California

i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed

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(817): View more from Texas

I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.

(972): View more from Texas

Wine is not your friend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

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(847): View more from Illinois

When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.

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(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

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(714): View more from California

Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.

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(801): View more from Utah

Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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(219): View more from Indiana

The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(425): View more from Washington

come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee

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(406): View more from Montana

i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(607): View more from New York

I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

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(406): View more from Montana

My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(440): View more from Ohio

Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.

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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(734): View more from Michigan

you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.

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(714): View more from California

You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.

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(310): View more from California

I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.

(785): View more from Kansas

I could make treat bags

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(613): View more from Ontario

I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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(909): View more from California

Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(330): View more from Ohio

98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk

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(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(561): View more from Florida

So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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