Texts From Last Night · blackbird17's Favorites

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blackbird17's Favorites Texts:

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(801): View more from Utah

just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(816): View more from Missouri

If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit

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(562): View more from California

You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..

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(315): View more from New York

He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.

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(210): View more from Texas

"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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(224): View more from Illinois

Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.

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(941): View more from Florida

Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs

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(620): View more from Kansas

I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

(1+61): View more from

Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night

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(917): View more from New York City

I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.

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(616): View more from Michigan

he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!

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(206): View more from Washington

Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

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(512): View more from Texas

Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.

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(352): View more from Florida

As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.

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(210): View more from Texas

Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?

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(727): View more from Florida

Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(240): View more from Maryland

the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.

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(310): View more from California

I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Am I going to be on condom boxes?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere

(480): View more from Arizona

You say this every welcome week, bro.

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(631): View more from New York

I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives

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(818): View more from California

He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Why do you need me to cover for work?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months

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(850): View more from Florida

apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Rumble strips road head = magical

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(214): View more from Texas

I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

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(513): View more from Ohio

It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Too much penis in there.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(207): View more from Maine

we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else

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(801): View more from Utah

I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...

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(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(801): View more from Utah

Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(801): View more from Utah

the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome

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(801): View more from Utah

all he gave me for my birthday was sperm

(254): View more from Texas

at least its a homemade gift

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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(719): View more from Colorado

He's a Shit stain on my heart

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(319): View more from Iowa

4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW

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(914): View more from New York

Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere

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(360): View more from Washington

All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(540): View more from Virginia

He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".

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(316): View more from Kansas

It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.

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(407): View more from Florida

I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S SUMMA TIME

(907): View more from Alaska

ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY'RE THE SAME THING

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(626): View more from California

The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking

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(914): View more from New York

Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete

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(914): View more from New York

I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.

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(972): View more from Texas

I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.

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(559): View more from California

He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.

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(718): View more from New York

Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(352): View more from Florida

I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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(407): View more from Florida

Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.

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(281): View more from Texas

Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits

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(301): View more from Maryland

"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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(716): View more from New York

When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.

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(+61): View more from Australia

A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.

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(209): View more from California

Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(712): View more from Iowa

I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how bad is she

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

captain morgan with tits

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

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(435): View more from Utah

For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just Tebowed the shit out of her.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.

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(845): View more from New York

This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.

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(614): View more from Ohio

They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you

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(518): View more from New York

He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(802): View more from Vermont

So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves

(806): View more from Texas

That's not technology. Doesn't count.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?

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(206): View more from Washington

Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(660): View more from Missouri

He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.

(816): View more from Missouri

Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(360): View more from Washington

Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.

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(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.

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(618): View more from Illinois

His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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(513): View more from Ohio

constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

(847): View more from Illinois

I can't see you

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?

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(623): View more from Arizona

As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though

(289): View more from Ontario

Lolll I'll be sleeping

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.

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(458): View more from Oregon

I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.

(350): View more from

You are my idol.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.

(845): View more from New York

Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(979): View more from Texas

I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.

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(909): View more from California

Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You working tonight?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.

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(607): View more from New York

you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses

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(210): View more from Texas

If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.

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(705): View more from Ontario

in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.

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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I miss high conversations.

(270): View more from Kentucky

Swinging. Is. Amazing.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

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(801): View more from Utah

Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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(240): View more from Maryland

All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.

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(863): View more from Florida

It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(315): View more from New York

He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

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(713): View more from Texas

His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dangr zzzzzzzzone

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.

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(707): View more from California

I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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(302): View more from Delaware

My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.

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(760): View more from California

all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.

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(214): View more from Texas

The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.

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(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

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(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(916): View more from California

We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who is this?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.

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(530): View more from California

I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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(909): View more from California

He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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(914): View more from New York

Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO

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(913): View more from Kansas

I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim

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(707): View more from California

Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(716): View more from New York

i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(207): View more from Maine

I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined

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(214): View more from Texas

Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.

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(562): View more from California

I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(206): View more from Washington

Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL

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(206): View more from Washington

she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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(206): View more from Washington

She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.

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(281): View more from Texas

I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?

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(253): View more from Washington

How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???

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(316): View more from Kansas

He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him

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(817): View more from Texas

I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i just like, need to vent to someone

(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.

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(757): View more from Virginia

some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(212): View more from New York

So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober

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(806): View more from Texas

Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

(1-806): View more from Texas

Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.

(352): View more from Florida

teach me your ways.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..

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(858): View more from California

I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha

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(815): View more from Illinois

Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.

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(516): View more from New York

Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs

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(480): View more from Arizona

honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god

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(636): View more from Missouri

I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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(573): View more from Missouri

It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video

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(425): View more from Washington

Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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(850): View more from Florida

HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

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(310): View more from California

I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(310): View more from California

I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(216): View more from Ohio

I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(408): View more from California

Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.

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(281): View more from Texas

Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.

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(810): View more from Michigan

RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.

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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(785): View more from Kansas

Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.

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(585): View more from New York

What's the over under on catching something from your sister?

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(847): View more from Illinois

In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her

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(806): View more from Texas

We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!

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(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Oh shit. There are penis maracas

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(716): View more from New York

He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

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(817): View more from Texas

But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

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(903): View more from Texas

Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.

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(516): View more from New York

I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

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(330): View more from Ohio

yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon

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(425): View more from Washington

I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail

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(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(626): View more from California

He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

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(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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(602): View more from Arizona

the head trauma was worth the blowjob.

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(239): View more from Florida

Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day

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(224): View more from Illinois

Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(775): View more from Nevada

i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(303): View more from Colorado

True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Porn is love you can see.

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(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(208): View more from Idaho

Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish his dick was as long as his hair.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..

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(801): View more from Utah

We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(845): View more from New York

Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(804): View more from Virginia

I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(734): View more from Michigan

Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.

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(573): View more from Missouri

she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight

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(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(423): View more from Tennessee

How'd it feel making her break her religion?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(734): View more from Michigan

you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make

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(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(404): View more from Georgia

one word: firstdatebathroomanal

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Want any specific kind of beer?

(623): View more from Arizona

Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Got it. Anything but Miller.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(913): View more from Kansas

I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

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(310): View more from California

Slut skills are useful in every country.

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(925): View more from California

I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me

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(407): View more from Florida

you definitely have a few illegitimate kids

(1-407): View more from Florida

probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

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(740): View more from Ohio

Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.

(740): View more from Ohio

Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(512): View more from Texas

I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.

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(561): View more from Florida

I will miss his soup and his dick the most

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(209): View more from California

His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.

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(805): View more from California

I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed

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(516): View more from New York

I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.

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(410): View more from Maryland

If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.

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(586): View more from Michigan

A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

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(740): View more from Ohio

He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.

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(847): View more from Illinois

then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(253): View more from Washington

I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms

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(905): View more from Ontario

It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on

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(619): View more from California

definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The key to alley sex is drunkeness.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(510): View more from California

He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.

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(408): View more from California

I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(214): View more from Texas

If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

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(716): View more from New York

I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked

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(407): View more from Florida

I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Are we going out tonight?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

My conscience says no but my vag says yes

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So squirting runs in the family.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(631): View more from New York

So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.

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(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(941): View more from Florida

Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(850): View more from Florida

My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(562): View more from California

Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes

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(435): View more from Utah

I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(208): View more from Idaho

You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(434): View more from Virginia

KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(281): View more from Texas

my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(917): View more from New York City

My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(207): View more from Maine

it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(207): View more from Maine

her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?

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(631): View more from New York

i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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(407): View more from Florida

Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(770): View more from Georgia

That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i feel like shit

(413): View more from Massachusetts

well u did eat a lot of play-doh

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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(518): View more from New York

Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.

(845): View more from New York

Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.

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(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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(703): View more from Virginia

nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase

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(740): View more from Ohio

Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night

(631): View more from New York

U should. Its a good ice breaker

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(818): View more from California

Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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(209): View more from California

AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me

(224): View more from Illinois

RUN RUN RUN RUN

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(716): View more from New York

You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

another moral hangover. fuck.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a normal friday night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

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(909): View more from California

i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(972): View more from Texas

I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(574): View more from Indiana

It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

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(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?

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(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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(214): View more from Texas

Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.

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(812): View more from Indiana

This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock

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(203): View more from Connecticut

And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...

(317): View more from Indiana

Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(954): View more from Florida

She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

(770): View more from Georgia

The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

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(519): View more from Ontario

Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.

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(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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(772): View more from Florida

You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

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(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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(206): View more from Washington

My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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(334): View more from Alabama

thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(805): View more from California

Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

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(850): View more from Florida

It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.

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(214): View more from Texas

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(813): View more from Florida

sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"

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(240): View more from Maryland

I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket

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(801): View more from Utah

My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(585): View more from New York

I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.

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(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(406): View more from Montana

i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(716): View more from New York

her body is proportioned like a family guy character

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(915): View more from Texas

I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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(727): View more from Florida

Semen is not good for contacts.

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(469): View more from Texas

On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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(614): View more from Ohio

We just shotgunned beers for America

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(578): View more from

You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(801): View more from Utah

I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.

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(949): View more from California

I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

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(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(801): View more from Utah

She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(970): View more from Colorado

going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He asked if I wanted to "hang out"

(410): View more from Maryland

A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

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(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

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(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....

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(616): View more from Michigan

Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...

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(708): View more from Illinois

My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he quoted the bible to break up with me

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(440): View more from Ohio

If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(734): View more from Michigan

He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.

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(970): View more from Colorado

they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"

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(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(719): View more from Colorado

You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

ugh yes i love our date nights

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(914): View more from New York

I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."

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(315): View more from New York

found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

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(305): View more from Florida

What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.

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(801): View more from Utah

As long as you're not dating white guys again.

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(805): View more from California

Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(212): View more from New York

It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(330): View more from Ohio

we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(330): View more from Ohio

So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(818): View more from California

I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(214): View more from Texas

What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(360): View more from Washington

Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(520): View more from Arizona

im six kinds of drunk right now

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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