Texts From Last Night · AmberTheGreat's Favorites

AmberTheGreat's Favorites Texts:

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there

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(541): View more from Oregon

And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...

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(208): View more from Idaho

We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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(314): View more from Missouri

handjob tips. give me some.

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(813): View more from Florida

I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

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(703): View more from Virginia

yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?

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(469): View more from Texas

I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was the only guy who ever made me cry..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.

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(224): View more from Illinois

That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(971): View more from Oregon

We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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(361): View more from Texas

Screwed.edu

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(757): View more from Virginia

he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(520): View more from Arizona

I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial

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(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(310): View more from California

if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.

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(313): View more from Michigan

He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.

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(240): View more from Maryland

EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.

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(940): View more from Texas

never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down

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(305): View more from Florida

I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

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(330): View more from Ohio

mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM

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(775): View more from Nevada

soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.

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(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

sounds like you fell off the wagon.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(818): View more from California

Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

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(681): View more from West Virginia

Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.

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(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(631): View more from New York

We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

(1-631): View more from New York

Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(972): View more from Texas

I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(334): View more from Alabama

They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.

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(979): View more from Texas

his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

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(310): View more from California

You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I slept with him to see his dog one last time

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(253): View more from Washington

I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(415): View more from California

She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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(530): View more from California

you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(240): View more from Maryland

Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(240): View more from Maryland

You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

Fav 5 2308 982
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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

Fav 11 7737 1978
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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(281): View more from Texas

# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(216): View more from Ohio

Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This show inspires me to have sex in space

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

wrong asian. never thought that would happen.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(917): View more from New York City

i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere

(1-917): View more from New York City

no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john

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(806): View more from Texas

and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(513): View more from Ohio

This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(775): View more from Nevada

all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!

(804): View more from Virginia

a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.

(804): View more from Virginia

That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.

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(719): View more from Colorado

just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

pussy has no personality

(609): View more from New Jersey

Amen to that

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(281): View more from Texas

wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery

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(561): View more from Florida

i will soon be in a relationship on fb

(919): View more from North Carolina

you!?

(561): View more from Florida

me and your mom. i mean, lisa.

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(614): View more from Ohio

...is it true? will i see you next weekend

(248): View more from Michigan

YES.

(614): View more from Ohio

ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."

(716): View more from New York

lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(210): View more from Texas

Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(253): View more from Washington

girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends

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(616): View more from Michigan

you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

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(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(301): View more from Maryland

chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(863): View more from Florida

During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(303): View more from Colorado

They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(410): View more from Maryland

this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.

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(516): View more from New York

she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(602): View more from Arizona

I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(703): View more from Virginia

nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(305): View more from Florida

I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

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(707): View more from California

Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.

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(734): View more from Michigan

you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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(424): View more from California

you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(407): View more from Florida

you definitely have a few illegitimate kids

(1-407): View more from Florida

probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(435): View more from Utah

I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(+84): View more from

The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(626): View more from California

that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.

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(716): View more from New York

dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(757): View more from Virginia

There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(408): View more from California

Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

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(850): View more from Florida

it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

This girl is more easily done than said...

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(606): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(734): View more from Michigan

But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame

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(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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(323): View more from California

Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(954): View more from Florida

Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...

(1-954): View more from Florida

Is this the gay conversation?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

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(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

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(415): View more from California

No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(651): View more from Minnesota

dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.

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(216): View more from Ohio

We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.

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(408): View more from California

I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(248): View more from Michigan

3:26am: come over

(847): View more from Illinois

you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over

(248): View more from Michigan

4:11am: mnlodp

(847): View more from Illinois

dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.

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(571): View more from Virginia

so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(303): View more from Colorado

Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(518): View more from New York

The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?

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(805): View more from California

I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

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(207): View more from Maine

you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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(515): View more from Iowa

After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(586): View more from Michigan

A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(440): View more from Ohio

tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(713): View more from Texas

Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.

(713): View more from Texas

I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas should really raise its teaching standards.

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(773): View more from Illinois

There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Want any specific kind of beer?

(623): View more from Arizona

Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Got it. Anything but Miller.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(937): View more from Ohio

I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(224): View more from Illinois

So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?

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(334): View more from Alabama

Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.

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(586): View more from Michigan

matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(210): View more from Texas

life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.

(210): View more from Texas

i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.

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(949): View more from California

My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(530): View more from California

When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear

(1-847): View more from Illinois

Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

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(850): View more from Florida

I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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