Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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