So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
