Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
