I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
