My first STD was from a foam party
I smell stomach acid.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
