My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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