Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
