You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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