it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
