I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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