so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
