Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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