Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
