Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
