the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
