he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
