There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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