Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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