You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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