I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
