I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
