Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
