i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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