At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
