PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
