If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
