I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
