Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
