He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just forgot I was standing up.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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