can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
