What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
