I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
are you so shy because you have an std?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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